The Wall Between Violence

What if one of the most important and closest of human beings, would attack you physically, drink a lot of alcohol, scream “I hate you” at your face, threaten to kick you out of the house, if you would say anything at all against her, bring home dangerous guy friend, who smoke and brought the smell in, even though she knows you hate it and him, and then years later, AFTER you’ve moved out, say “I broke up with him because you didn’t like him”, manipulate social workers to think you’re the bad guy, say to everyone, that you’re problematic and crush you in every single way possible? Then after these say: “I tried everything with you!” or “You have to tell me everything! I’m your mother!”. What would you do? Maybe same how every single sane person would have done. Run far, cut all the connections and never look back. That’s what I also did. When I had the chance to move in to my own house, I took the chance, without any doubts. I want to thank all of the physiatrists and youth workers, who made it possible. You saved my life, without even knowing it.

After I moved out, I had a meeting with my psychiatrist. I told her about the things my mother did to me. I remember her looking at me with worried eyes and saying: “You could’ve reported her to authorities.” I sighed innerly and thought: “Of course I could’ve done that!” But I knew deep inside, that my head was so full of her abuse and pressure, it didn’t even cross my mind to do it back then.

To this day, I don’t know what was happening in her head and to be honest, I don’t really care to know. To me, she was complete and utter psycho and a narcissist. I still get messages from her, talking about how she doesn’t understand why I won’t talk to her. Explaining all the things, that my father was a liar and pressured her to do too much blah blah blah. Well… I can surely agree little bit on that, but… why don’t you just leave me alone? I’m your son and I don’t need to hear about your problems. You have and had to take care of me. Not the other way around. I’ve tried to poke the ice by answering to her messages little bit, even one time calling her and paying a visit to meet her face to face, but no… nothing has changed. She’s doing too much too late.

Is this song a revenge you may ask? No… I won’t go that low. These songs, including this one, are part truth, part feelings I had and brutal honesty. I don’t like to go sunshine and rainbows in to topics like this. Someone out there, or maybe even you, has the same kind of struggles happening in their life. Maybe even too much like this, happens in the world. You are not alone. Never are, when you think deeper. Remember, that no one needs to go through something like this. In the end, we have the choice and the control to break the abusers grip on us. Do it, and do it fast. Before the wall between violence breaks into pieces.