Broken Promises

My downfall started from my parent’s divorce. Why it is and was a big deal for me? Well, you see… when you are a parent, especially for six children, you are a role model to them. You show to your kids how to keep your promises, not lie, help one another out, show what it means to be united as one, show what it means to be a man and a woman and show how both of the parents need each other. You know, show strengths and weaknesses and how to learn from them together. Sounds pretty amazing right? Don’t you want to hear your kid say, how he/she wants to be just like you? How about, when your kid comes home from a bad school day and just feels safe and relaxed to be at home: “Man, school sucked, but at least my parents are here to hear me out.” Don’t you want that to them? Or do you want them to be confused, sad, broken and scared of their role model and protector? My parents have always said, how lying, stealing, name-calling is wrong,  and I have to keep my promises. It’s a safe thought to be sure. After a divorce, they did just all of that. Lied, stole, name-called and broke their promises, making a whole family suffer for the rest of our lives. It always has been a strange feeling. Something is wrong in a whole new level, but I couldn’t get a grip on it. I couldn’t look at my parents in the same way anymore. They felt more distant, almost like they were no longer my parents. My parents are now gone. They broke something big and I didn’t know what it was. But now I do. Divorce broke our family literally in half. My only family is now my two big brothers. I love them both, great guys, but I don’t know, if they have felt the same feelings after our parents divorce. I have three little sisters too, but they are now out there somewhere, seemingly confused. Father likes his new family more and mother has gone insane. Then there’s me… confused, tired and really angry to all of this. This world is a pretty sad place, gotta say.

I still remember the day, when it all happened. I was 11 years old and playing Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 4 with a Gamecube in our living room. Just relaxing on a sofa, my three little sisters and one older brother on another sofa behind me, watching my gameplay. It was afternoon and suddenly our father came to us with his luggages and said: “I’m going now.” Of course I was confused and asked: “Where?” For that my father replied: “Well, we are getting a divorce with your mother.” And it really broke me. I still hear those words in my ears, like I heard them that day. I started crying. It was my only reaction to that. Father came to me, hugged and tried to calm me down by saying: “You can always come visit me. We can go fishing and do stuff together, like we always have. Didn’t we talk about our divorce to you?” To be honest, I think they had really talked about their divorce before, but I must have been just daydreaming, combined with SLI (specific language impairment), I didn’t have memories of it. After that incident, I felt really empty. Before that, there was this one time, when I was a little kid watching TV and there was a cartoon, where to me there was a great loving family. I said out loud: “I wish I was in that family.” Just a little before that, my teenage brother didn’t want to come back to home, because he was enjoying his girlfriend’s company. Mother didn’t like what I said one bit and started crying. Think about it… if your little kid says something like that out loud, there must be something really wrong in your family indeed. Little kids can sense it, if there’s something wrong. After my parent’s divorce, I started to talk about suicide to my friends at school. Once our teacher heard my talk and text about it and two times I had a chat with our teachers, regarding the things I have written and been talking about. Suicide as an option was now part of me. The betrayal of my parents, was the beginning for lifelong reaction. All of this, just because of their broken promises.