I Deserve It All

  This sentence right here hits hard. Because, for a long time I thought, every bad thing that has ever happened to me, I deserved it. Even though I grew as a kind little boy, I still had my dark side - just like everyone has. If I did something wrong, I of course got punished, every single time. If something I did wasn’t even bad, I would still get it all. 

  “I deserve it all” was the sentence I went with almost all my life. Until now, I’ve realized though my wife, current life and faith, that I never deserved any of it. All the pain and suffering, alone and without any real help. All the people in my life made me think that I am a bad human being. Except my brothers. Yes, I heard it like that a couple of times. With evasive wording, but with that meaning. I was trying to be too nice and kind to everyone, just so that I could have their attention, help, love and most of all, respect. I was trying to redeem my wrongdoings, even though I was dying inside. How many times my own plans have dried up, because of some controlling idiots in my life… 

  I grew up in a family where being angry (for some reason) was forbidden and there was a punishment for it. Usually stranglehold, lifting to the wall and a painful grip on the hand. Even though my childhood and home were absolutely fine back in the days, living there in constant small fear has had its impact. It still lasts.

  That happy music at the beginning in the song is getting more and more glitched, because the mindset that I deserved to be punished by everyone, was getting stronger, and all of the happiness and coping mechanisms were breaking. My family and mind were breaking. 

  Life without permission to feel the simple emotion called “anger” can be pretty draining. All of the “hiding my feelings because of fear” got the best of me and now I’m furious at everyone, rightfully so. I thought I had anger issues, because my “best friend” and parents convinced me so. One crucial day a psychiatrist looked at me and said surprised: “You are just showing basic human emotion, because you have been subjected to injustice.” I was confused by it, until now. It’s time to get my anger out to those people.

  Even if I still have the thought in question creeping in from time to time, in the end, they deserve it all.