The Last Drop of Humanity

Have you ever caught yourself thinking horrifying things? And I mean, really horrifying things. The things, that makes your blood boil in a way, that you wake up with an adrenaline rush from your daydream. Or from a day fantasy. The things you think are justice. When you remember your bully or a wrongdoer getting out, without any consequences.

They haunt you, maybe even rest of your life. I still suffer from these. They are indeed, pretty strong feelings. Mind of a bullied child or a teenager is not a matter of joke or something to take lightly. We beg for justice and blood by our own hands. We want to see our bully beg for mercy, scream for help and be alone with you, scared and sliced up. I wanted to see their eyes shout “I’m in pain, horrified and powerless”.

Even now when I’m writing this text, I get the same longing for justice. The same bloodlust. In this kind of state, I almost forget who I am. Even my humanity. Only thing that matters the most, is to get my revenge as painful as possible. We become monsters, who like to show everyone, how dangerous and powerful we are. How we cannot be crossed anymore in any way. We want to see, how bully’s parents mourn for their dead children.

Great example is, when I used to carry a really sharp, old-timey dividers in my pockets, during the secondary school, for the protection. One of the loudest and the most aggressive boy in our class, jumped on me and tried to wrestle me down. Then I reactively sting him to his hand with the dividers. He jumped off me and wailed in pain about his hand, saying to our teacher: “He had to use a weapon, because he can’t win me otherwise”. My adrenaline rushed. I just thought, I actually have power in my hands to change things. I could just hit it into someone’s eye and call it a day. I could end someone’s life, if used right. The thought seemed… really nice. I’m doing good now, but how far will we let these kind of people go, without any help nowadays? I’d say, too freaking far.

I was getting too much pressure everywhere. At school, at home, in love life and with people, just to say a few. I felt like my head was pounding, pulsing and was going to explode at any minute. I was clearly getting slowly insane. This song tells only a little bit of that kind of mind, but hopefully enough to get you waken up about these things. These lyrics are bad enough, but there are much much worse thoughts made for wrongdoers. Thoughts, that could get me a locked cell in a mental hospital, with heavy medication.

I think you have heard about school shootings, yes? Classic incident, where grownup or a kid gets too far in their longing for justice and help. I was almost one. Maybe more of a school murderer, because I had a knife, but that really didn’t and doesn’t help the case. School shootings here in Finland are pretty uncommon in the end, but everytime I hear about one, I can’t get myself to mourn for those, who got murdered or their friends and relatives. I feel nothing. I’m sad to say this, but that part of me is totally lost and buried. But I empathise for the shooter. I feel his or her pain, maybe even too much.

Brutal reality like this needs a brutally honest text. What would be more better way for me to tell about these things, than music? Or even process what I’ve been through. Don’t let these people to get lost in the void. Stop the bullies and all the abusers. Don’t let them get away from their foolish actions. Help these poor souls, before their last drop of humanity.