Poison

Me and my “friend” met for the first time at the secondary school. We we’re at the same class group and started to hang out with other friends and after a while, we became pretty great friends. May I even dare to say, best friends.

Years passed by, we grew older, we still were best friends and I liked to hang out with him. I always looked forward to meeting him. Especially when I was still living with my mother. Even though, we were completely different from one another, we still had a blast together, every time we met. He had always been a christian, but I didn’t mind it as long as he wouldn’t preach about it on my face. Great memories nonetheless.

Then the time came and he had to move to another region to study. I didn’t mind it at all. I was happy for him. Finally he could go to places, where I wouldn't dare to go, from south to north. He came to visit me time to time, but every time he visited me… something felt more and more off. I felt this in the back of my head, so I couldn’t really realize it. He became more charismatic, better with words and easily approachable. He even tried to be some sort of fatherly figure to me and a leader to our friendship. Sounds really good, right? He became more like himself, so why am I doing this song? He indeed became more like himself, but… there was something lurking underneath.

I lived in my terraced apartment for about five years, until I moved with him to our own rental home in north, where I met a third roommate, who was one of the best things that has happened to me. Living with my “friend” was horrible. He didn’t listen my opinions, he was too bossy, he had his friends come over all the time, so there weren’t any space to live in peace. There wasn’t even peace to live in my own room. There wasn’t any locks so he would just open the door and go lie on my bed. If I wanted to have my own peace, he would say, that this house is supposed to be community and not live only for yourself. He even said it was emotional abuse, if I said anything about him invading my space.

He was getting too close all the time. I was getting angry at him and I did let some of those fumes out to him, but he always said, that I was the problem and he had a “friendly advice” for me to get some help to my aggression problems. I made one song about him, to let my emotions out, called “The Impairer”. When he saw it, he said it was satanic and I had serious issues.

He would tell about me to other people to get his emotions out, but if I did the same (which I did secretly), he would suggest to keep it to ourselves. Of course I deleted the song from YouTube, because he wanted me to.

One time he threatened to kick me out of the house, if I wouldn’t change. He almost tried to control my brothers and friends against me, because he thought I should change. The only family I had left. So I changed. I lost weight and got “help” which was pretty useless, because surprise, surprise… I didn’t have any problems. Started to go out and meet people more often, etc. When I became a Christian myself, he would say, how I should live and he wanted me to be “example Christian” like himself. I did follow his advices, but to be honest, he had maybe the worst advices I had ever heard.

I tried to become like him. Not like me. It was devastating to me, because I have only now realized, that God created me to be an unique human being, to be specifically me. Just like everyone else is also unique and their own person. To this day he thinks, he knows me. But I realize more and more, every day, that he doesn’t know me at all. I feel like he just wants me to be his puppet, so he can feel superior over me for some reason.

I would tell you so many more things, but the space is running out. So I'll give it short:

He grew to be a person, who didn’t apologise or take responsibilities of his actions and totally lacked  respect towards me as a human person and my space. He turned what I told against me. Often gave guidance to situations and people he didn’t really know anything about and wasn’t ready to listen - especially in the field of romantic love. He also used God against me and to justify his doings and didn’t give me time when I needed it in order to think properly. I’m not the only one he has done this. I’ve had enough.

Everything I just said, made me feel like I’m nothing, or nothing at all in our friendship, but a stupid vessel of sin. I’ve tried to talk about these things to him, but I don’t really know, if he got it. Sorry dude, but this is the one thing, I won’t delete from the internet. I want to extract the poison out from this friendship.