Malformed Creature

My father… I usually describe him as a wall that has a speaker. There’s a reason for that. When I was young and had a broken relationship with my mother, I saw my father as a hero. Hero who would try everything to get me into safety from my lunatic mother. But it’s far from the truth. He was and still is, a manipulative liar, who doesn’t like emotions and only rises all of his kids in a ‘’normal’’ and ‘’right’’ way. He went to a new marriage with a divorced woman, after divorcing with my mother and it feels like he loves his new family more than the real one.

I am the third one in a six children family, but yet the only black sheep to have father saying: ‘’You are stupid, supine and lazy boy!’’ I tried to talk about my feeling and stuff happening in my life to him, but without any results. I was always that stupid lazy boy who never gets anything done in his life. He never understood any of my interests or what I went through. He really never supported me, even though from the outside it looked like it. He never supported me emotionally. I was interested in things like, music, art, stories, deep thinking, etc, but for him, I never could get any benefits from them.

Once, when I was still in elementary school, he didn’t want me to have a birthday party, because there was a toilet renovation going on in my childhood home. “Don’t you use your head at all?!” he said to me disappointed. You know, at the home he didn’t live in anymore. Mother was completely fine with it and there was another restroom. I got sad, afraid and confused. I was about to cancel my OWN FREAKING BIRTHDAY PARTY. Glad it didn’t happen, but once again, I did something wrong as I always do.

I also remember one another time. I was staying with my father for a while, because I was having an internship through the place I studied in. I was emotionally full and really devastated about lovelife and things happening in it. I decided to play my keyboard to ease pain and for some reason, the key pressing was too loud. My father came in to ask, if I could play it little bit quieter. After that I got little bit offended, because the emotions were too tense. I didn’t say anything, but I looked and acted pained. He could’ve came to me and ask what's wrong, but nope. Instead he got angry, had me in his grip and pushed me to bed and shouted: “No wonder your mother is getting tired and angry of you!” Yeah… thanks dad… that devastated me even more.

It feels like he sees me as an abomination. A strange misshapen creature, who believes in God and in all of that insane stuff. As a malformation in our family tree. I had to live like I don’t even have a father, because that’s what it felt like. I had to grow up, basically without any masculine and supportive role model. It hurts. And it hurt really bad. That’s why I made this song. It shouldn’t be this way, but I have no other choice to let this pain out.

I know that there’s a lot of people who grew without a good or real father/father figure. I feel for you, because it screws you inside. You are more worth than you realize. You are indeed, an amazing creature. Hope this song eases your pain too. For me it really did. God bless you.