Heart of the Storm

“People who smile the most, are the most saddest”. I think many of us have heard this sentence before. Simple, short, but powerful. Even though, it is commonly used sentence, it’s 100% right. You guessed it… I was one of them too! Everything was collapsing in the background, but I just kept smiling and being nice to everybody. I will always remember a sentence, my old classmate said in one of our first class meetings, when I told her about these difficulties, I had in my life back then: “We knew and saw it in you. It was really alarming when you just smiled and were nice to everyone, even though I, and many people were teasing and messing with you”. After hearing that, I got hit by a shockwave within me. I still get chills to this day. I thought I hid the pain well, because no one ever said or asked anything about it. I guess people can sense it, even if they don’t know what it is or can’t get a grip on it. My wife seems to notice immediately, when something’s wrong. Well… of course, she’s my wife, but this just tells something about humanity. You can’t fully hide the pain or difficulties you’re experiencing. Someone can always see you, even a little bit.

But still, even if some people were interested about my wellbeing, I still said: “I’m fine, what about you?” You know, the typical man talk. Less talking, more action, “no” to these feelings. I was always sceptical about the question, still sometimes am. Even if I wanted someone to come and help me, I still lied, because it felt almost like no one would really care if I said anything for real. I didn’t want to be a nuisance or a pain in the arse to anyone. I thought, I would be left alone if I said anything about the real situation. It was a mess. I was just standing middle of the storm. In the heart of the storm, called my mind. Every emotion and scream were just spinning around me, while I was living in this fake peace.

Nowadays I’m still having difficulties to say, what I’m really feeling. I never really had emotional support before. If parents couldn’t take my emotions, who could’ve? Later in life, psychiatrists were the only people in the world, that took my emotions on the table to be fixed. It was their job, but man, they were good at that. It lasted long, maybe too long. 2 years ago I was still being Mr. Nice Guy, but thankfully I have grown out of it.

Something to remember in life: you can’t please everybody. That’s just a cruel fact. When you are being you and sure about yourself and what you’re doing, you automatically gain enemies.

At long last, the storm hasn’t been more peaceful. Storm has moved from me to somewhere unknown. Here I stand, in the real peace.