Desolated Ship

Ah, young love. So pure and innocent! Says no one ever!

Let me tell you something from my early teen years. Summer holiday started and I was moving from seventh grade to eighth grade. I was 14 years old back then. I was at my home, minding my own business in my room, watching some random videos from YouTube and playing games. Suddenly a chat pops up. “Ah, just my friend”, I said to myself and looked at the text that he sent me. He was talking something: “This is that friend, who makes music”. I got little bit confused of what he was talking about. Then I saw something that completely melted my teen brain. He was talking to a girl! About me? What the heck? I was just added to their chat, like this was nothing out of the ordinary. Well, I wrote back some stuff, asking what was going on and just trying to understand the situation.

My friend told me, that he met this girl on the internet, through an online game and he was talking about me to her. She was of course intrigued, that someone at the same age, was making music she liked. I was well aware of internet predators and just tried to be careful. Well… the day came when we had our first private chat, just asking and talking about some random stuff, getting to know each other better. “She seems like cool person”, I thought to myself.

Then our first video chat came along. I said almost instantly, that she was beautiful, for which, she was thankful. We exchanged numbers and got to know each other better and better, every day. Then our first meeting happened. I was so nervous, I just vomited before the trip itself. I did that a lot back then, by the way, vomited when I was nervous. It was awesome to hang out with her. We really enjoyed each other's company. I started to form feelings towards her, I was never felt before. I was falling in love.

Almost every time before our meeting, I vomited. I was just having so much butterflies in my stomach. Finally someone recognized me! Finally someone understands me! Every other girls looked down on me, but not her. Wow, what a girl. I was aware, she had some mental problems as well and she liked to hang out with other guys too. Of course it got me jealous, because I had competitors.

Years passed by and my feelings towards her grew tighter. Mental problems got harder and inner chaos felt like consuming me. She seemed to like me too, but I didn’t know why she wanted to hang out with other boys more than she did with me. Sometimes we had some fights and stuff, but it felt to grow us closer and closer. Her guy friends, as she said it herself, were not that safe or trustworthy. But hey! At least she had fun with them! Yay! I tried to win her heart to myself, over my last unyielding breath. She said my actions seemed like, I wanted to control her and I don’t own her life. Maybe she was right on that one. My despair seemed to take me over too much. So I tried my best to let her live her life as she wanted. It was hard, let me tell you.

That led to the one night, where I was just getting to my room from a walk. We were 17-18 years old. She texted me that she was hanging around with the boy, where I replied asking how the meeting was going. Then, she replied: “We are now together”. My heart instantly froze, I fell on my knees, began to shake, mental state was crashing down and I just cried. I cried myself to sleep that night. The only light and hope in my life, burned out. It was a first time, I held knife towards my stomach, ready to end my life, but I didn’t do it. I was too scared.

I tried everything to win her over, but the guy who didn’t even try anything special, won her over. Where did it all go wrong? That’s not even all. She got raped by the guy. She chose a rapist, before me. How low am I in girls eyes? Was I just a play toy to her? It sucks of course, that she got raped and I’m sorry for her. It’s one of the worst things, that can happen to a person. I have made two songs in my past, to my remembering, where I was talking about my feeling about the pain, she caused me. She just laughed, that finally I got it out. I later heard from her, she was also in love, when we were still meeting. Of course she was…

When me and my wife were dating in year 2022, she seemed concerned about her. I was 28 years old and I still held her in my life, after all this time. My wife was right. It was time to let the girl go. Let the memories go. I texted about this to her and she laughed no more. She mourned. It’s 8.10.2024 when I’m writing this. Now she’s only but a memory in this song and in my mind. I have let her go.