Collapse

As wise man once said: “AAAGH!!!!” and collapsed to the ground. ‘Nuff said about life am I right? insert laugh track here.

But in all seriousness, this must be one of the worst feelings I have ever had. Just complete mental and physical shut down. It feels like you can’t do anything anymore, nothing’s interesting, you can’t stand people around you, your body won’t obey your commands, you want to have complete isolation from everything and sleep. Just be and feel even fragment of joy for once. Anger, pressure and stress consumes your mental capacity and you cannot think straight. World has crushed you to the ground. It is hard to keep going. Hard to get up from bed, but everyone tries to push you forward, even though you just can’t. You… just… can’t.

Then they proceed to call you a weakling, because world has zombified them. They are, indeed, clones. Clones to give up their dreams and let the world take their soul. They push forward, because they are made not to think anything else. But what about you? Absolutely everything has overrun you and everyone have walked over you. No one has ever taught you a healthy way to let you fumes and anger out. You have had too much and you can’t handle it all. And there’s no one to help you with that.

I had my first physical and mental shutdown. when I was working in grocery store. I remember wondering at work, how is my body becoming more and more stiff, like I can’t control it fully? I remember very little of that time, but I’m not surprised really. Then at some point at work, I just couldn’t take coins to my hands properly or couldn’t pick anything well. Everything around me was getting blurry as well. I knew something was up and I made a call to my boss to let her know about my situation. Then in the next day, straight to the doctor and week off from work. Week later, I got my body back. Almost… I was becoming more and more tired, uncaring, slow and rash.

Before my exhaustion, I had taken too many little projects on my hands. Nothing really proceeded. They were there just floating around and making more pressure and stress. I had to quit my job. It wasn’t for me anymore. The city I was living in, wasn’t for me anymore. After that, every other pain in the ass came in to my way. Best friend turned out to be manipulative spiritual abuser, father turned out to be a huge liar and uncaring man, all these bad memories came into my mind one after another, money started draining from my bank at high speed, house we almost bought with my wife and lived in for a while, turned out to be mold house, even though papers said otherwise, wife’s family turned out to be more and more broken, demons started to attack us left and right and so much more. My physical and mental being wasn’t going to take it anymore. My anger was getting out more often and I was going to collapse. But somehow, I’m still here. I’m super tired at the time I’m writing this but, something inside of me has changed for the better. I took all the bullets in, but I’m still standing tired, yet more stronger.

Jesus knows… He just knows what to do with us. This ride has been a nightmare. There have been situations, where I haven’t heard anything, but screams inside of me. There have been times, my screaming haven’t gotten anything out from me. Somehow, I haven’t fully collapsed. Only became stronger.

That my friends, is the way of God. You may have stomped me into the ground, but I’m still here. Can you now feel my vibration?