Breathe

“Panic attacks? Thinking about your next school day? Trying to be deaf to, what’s going on the other side of your room door? What about the mistake you did that one time? Oh, don’t forget about the fight you had at school and after that, here in your house! Let me help you breathe slowly, calmly. Let me help you forget your emotions, in the end, they are for the weak. Zombifying everything is easier and better!” said my mind at 3:00 a clock in the morning. How else could I have myself fall in to sleep?

I remember one time saying to my friend after we went to have a walk, that I feel like my mother would kill me in my sleep without a doubt (or it would at least be a possibility). This is one of the many things why I would stay up late at night, usually until 5:00 am. Even if I had school, I still stayed up until 3:00 am. It was better to get less sleep than a knife to the chest. I was scared of sleeping at night. I loved nighttime, because it made me feel like I was invisible and safe from danger. I had my computer desk under a window and it was facing the room door. Not only to hide all the porn, but this way I saw if someone would come in, so I could react in time.

There were evenings and nights, when I could hear fights between mother and her, once again, new “lover”. Police officers came and went, leaving our house in complete anxiety fuelled mess. Once my mother, under the influence of alcohol, took out her rage to my three little sisters, of course I jumped up from my computer desk and went to see what was happening. I went to defend my sisters and just spat out a sentence, that would turn my mother towards me and attack me physically. What the sentence was? Well… it was: “Leave them be, you whore!”. There is much more, but I’ll let the song “The Wall Between Violence” tell more about her.

Here were some examples of the things, why the house and especially sleeping, would feel scary. I had panic attacks and nightmares. The only place, that needed to be a safeplace, wasn’t anything like it. I never knew what could happen next. So I had to breathe, forget everything, push my emotions aside, strengthen myself for a fight and prepare for the worst. Until I would wake up to my apprehension.